Do what you can.

I am a worrywort. I worry a lot. I was always a anxious kid, probably because of this (and many more other reasons, but mostly). I've taught myself to cope with it, although the method, probably is not at all perfect.

Other than the times that I am overwhelmed with worrying (usually about the timeline and the future life, as someone in the mid-late 20s probably very normal to do), I try to think to do whatever I can at the moment, even if it is doing nothing. In other words, focusing on the present. It took off the weight off my shoulders in a way that I could REALLY tell myself everything will be ok. (And also the bit of luck/coincidential opportunities I've been encountering lately was reassuring, but I tell myself never to rely on those.)

Also, the more I meet new people and the more I interact with them, it is even more prominent that what you have is not what you are. It's what you do, and how you think. Yes, of course one cannot completely ignore the materialistic side of the world to be realistic, but my point is to not focus on it. There's something about just focusing on what you make, have, will have (esp. money wise) that drains a person, and puts the person into a sad and grumpy corner.

For me, I am priviledged to have a very supportive family, about what I do, and trusting me. I understand my stand point does not apply to most, and it also differs in the cultural aspect. Yes, I may seem spoiled, I am very aware of so.

The idea of not being hung up on what I don't have just became more important, and I realized draining myself mentally and phisically was not worth it at all. (Recovering from the drainage that occured past several years took a long time, and I may still be in process.)

I am also beginning to realise that this blog is becoming my therapy sesson, and well, I'm ok with that. It's nothing I don't say in real life.

All in all, to end this one, the whole thing about this (and probably very obvious to say) is to do what you can do now, and eventually you will get to the place where you can do what you couldn't do. Be present, live the now.

I once had a moment.

Sometime in early 2011, I was waiting for a friend while working on my transfer application papers in a cafe. I think I haven't been sleeping too well, taking 20+ credits that semester. I looked up from my papers to take a break, then, it happened.

The scene around me turned dark, every thing within my vision shifted into blocks of colors.
The busy cafe suddenly silenced.

That moment lasted a few minutes, I believe, until my friend showed up and pulled me back into reality. It was like I was within a real life moving painting, resembling a concoction of Vincent van Gogh and Claude Monet's. It was a surreal moment that I have never experienced before and never since. But, it was an experience that carved into my mind that now I can relive it whenever I look back to that day.

Sometimes the memory is so vivid, I wish to paint like the image I see. I try in some elements, mostly in the landscapes. But, if I had truly tried to paint like what I saw that day, I would have to break entirely out of my comfort zone, calling myself a "semi-realist" would not be suitable anymore. I do hope to take upon that challenge soon, and see where it takes me.

I guess it's also another piece of the puzzle in my "letting go" proess. It's exciting, and at the same time, evokes anxiety.

my thoughts behind acceptance

Acceptance. Denial.

Just those two words are enough to evoke one's anxiety. Of course some may not care, or some may live for it. But really, when it comes to the "self acceptance" (or self denial), it begins to look like way of life itself (to me, at least).

As I live in a country where it is crucial to have a significant other, or you are somewhat considered "flawed," I thought of the strength of self acceptance, or in other words, self love. Even as a person that struggles with depression and anxiety, I think I am pretty ok with it. I never really hated myself. Regrets? Yes, sometimes. But hate? not really.

I have experienced two very different cultures about self acceptance, one emphasizes modesty, and the other has emphasis on confidence. The modest one would look at the confident and see arogance, and the confident would look at the modest and see the timid. When I was younger, I did not know how to cope with the difference as I moved back and forth. I probably still do not know the perfect balance, but I learned to cope with the reactions by acknowledging that I am foreign to them as they are foreign to me.

Under most circumstances I like to think that I'm an OK person, or I try to be one. No one's perfect, every thing and every person has flaws. The problem, I have realized, is that most people do not like having the flaws noticed. For some, it's about themselves, and for others, well, it's about the others. And me being a almost-too-TMI-honest-person (since childhood, my mother tells me) I sometimes am perceived as a complainer, or a person who only sees the negatives in everthing. In actuallity, I do agree to a certain point. The odd mixture of cultures that I am, I'm a skeptic who openly acknowleges too much, even all the flaws. But, I believe that things will eventually become better (though I have lost some - if not huge chunks of - hope since the politics/economy in both the two countries I've lived in and love are going to trash).

I believe in trying hard, learning, adjusting, and growing. To be really honest, (like I have not been already) my anxiety and depression comes when I see the situation unchangable (or being stuck in large crowds of people but that's not the point right now). I try really hard to think and believing in trusting myself and pushng forward, but sometimes, it seems, it's not about me trying. It's not about me moving forward. It begins to feel like I'm on a treadmill going nowhere but sweating myself out to exhaustion.

By traveling, then coming back home, and taking a (very long) break did give me a slight different persceptive to the whole thought; I'm accomplishing something by attempting, at the least. Giving myself room to learn from mistakes, or even just from the process itself. It's not about reaching something and getting somewhere but picking up little things, noticing tiny new specs on the way.

Even so, I still feel anxious and the air thins out when I hear the question, "what's next?" The energy people put into that question is so very heavy that I feel like I need a just as important, hefty answer. However, during the past few months I learned that the heavy energy is counteractable by throwing in somehting light as well. By showing I am comfortable where I stand, and I am and will be trying the best to move forward was enough to most people I've met. Then, I thought to myself, as long as I accept myself, others would have to accept the person that I am, in a way that they would be the one to feel somewhat weird to not accept a person that's happily comfortable in their own skin. That does not mean by anyway I'll stop to improve, but I will walk in my own pace, enjoying the view, taking breaks if needed.

So, to conclude, acceptance is not really about the other person, and self love is not an obnoxious thing to say. Within the norms of society (and law), as long as you learn or know to accept yourself, then the word "acceptance" would have a lighter meaning. Forgive and move on. Be less harsh. Love.

The feeling of being submerged underwater.

Just a little feeling I feel sometimes.

Sometimes it stays for days, sometimes it's for hours, sometimes it's a moment. My way to cope with it is to just acknowledge it, observe my surrounding, and try to think of a thing or two that made me feel better. The feeling wouldn't go away immediately, but it gives some room to breathe. Then, I can (kind of) enjoy being in that state, as it becomes quiet, calm, and peaceful.

This time, it was 'the act of painting,' which is odd yet greatly satisfying since just thinking of painting made me choke for the past few months. Not so much anymore.

I've noticed change, I used to approach painting, or even just a drawing, with a plan, everything from the beginning to an end. The plan would shift and change along with the progress, but never started a piece without it. Recently, it's 'do first, think later.' It may be because I'm doing (somewhat weird) experiments with paint, or because I told myself to paint for myself, not for anything else; no competitions, no shows, no nothing. Just, paint, and see what happens, and just keep on going. (I did, although, give myself a deadline, so I wouldn’t give up.),

So, yes, as we’re standing almost at the end of January (and this being the first post in the blog), I feel a little better than ok, I’m happy with the things I’ve done so far this year, and excited for more to come.

I'm ok. Even when I'm not.